Currents of Chaos

Lately the current of my life seems to be moving so swiftly it feels I could be pulled under any moment. I strain with my arms and pump my legs and barely manage to tread water. I fight harder to gain purchase against the current, only to imperceptibly inch forward in spite of my committed efforts.

I’m exhausted. All. The. Time. I’m pick-up-my-body-and-drag-it-through-my-day-by-consuming-copious-amounts-of-caffeine tired. But I don’t have time for sleep! I’m actually looking forward to daylight savings and “springing ahead” this weekend just so I can gain more daylight to try to get everything done. I need to get a full week into a day or I’m already behind, anyone feel me?

The heaviness I’m carrying makes even the most nominal, mundane task feel like a marathon. The kind of fatigue that seeps into your bones. When you’re so fully saturated with the tasks of life it feels like a heavy, wet blanket draped over your shoulders. I’m ready to cut some weight, to throw off some of the burden, but how am I supposed to choose what to cut? Everything I’m carrying appears to have a purpose. I tossed the frivolous extras much earlier in this journey. It was obvious then which heavy bad habits were pulling me under and were hindering my progress.

It is harder to sort through the good things. The kids’ extracurricular activities, my gym time, family trips, reading, junior high small group, keeping up with friends, attempting to keep the church nursery staffed, leading Bible study, and carving out writing time. I love all these things! But I’m beginning to question if I have the strength to bear all this good-ness. That’s not even including the domestic-y stuff I’m not so in love with, but needs to get done all the same.

I’m constantly tempted to stop fighting this raging current and float downstream for a while. To flake on my church responsibilities, put in the bare minimum for Bible study, avoid leaving the house, fall down the social media rabbit hole, and procrastinate on my writing projects. The problem is that in this swift current I’ll be carried downstream further and faster than I can compensate for when I decide it’s time to press on and be productive. Then I’m overwhelmed again. Vicious cycle.

Am I shouldering so much good that I’m missing what is best? Or is this just a season to sweat?

When in doubt turn to Psalms. I’m not sure when I started doing this, maybe when I used to just close my eyes and flip to whatever and it’s right smack in the middle, but the Psalms have grown into a precious place for me. I used to think they were kind of boring. I didn’t appreciate their poetry and imagery, and felt they all sounded the same. But then my mother in law got cancer and my heart was sick and despair set in. I found comfort in the Psalmists’ gripping sense of reality. They spoke from places that were raw and real. They didn’t write just lofty eloquent pieces of praise, as I had assumed they all were, but expressed heart-wrenching doubts and laments as well. When over the course of nine short weeks my life got raw and painfully real their words comforted me as the Spirit ministered to me.

I’m suddenly reminded to appreciate that I am in a season where it is the blessings that feel burdensome.

Praying for guidance I begin to search the Psalms for someone who understands. I find a phrase David wrote in Psalm 18:4 that’s translated in the NET “…the currents of chaos overwhelmed me.” Bingo. The Psalm continues to describe David calling out to the Lord in his distress and the Lord hears him. I can feel myself getting closer to an answer. In a beautiful picture of what can be accomplished by the mighty arm of God when we call to him, the Lord “pulled [him] from the surging water.” Um, yes please! Then verse 19 continues, “He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me”. And further on in verse 32 and 33, “the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless… and set me secure on the heights” (all emphasis mine).

Notice how all the action and equipping has to do with what He is doing? What if I could just stop trying so hard to make this all happen and let Him do the work?

If I can just concentrate on my form, that I’m not doing anything to make this swim more difficult than it needs to be, it is His desire to propel me to where He wants me regardless of the swift current I’m pushing against. He wants me to reach the open places, the green pastures, the still waters. Not only will He equip me with the strength I need but I’m actually getting stronger working all this out.

I will wear myself out trying to swim upstream alone. Frankly, I have been. So tonight I’m calling out to my God who is mighty to pull me from the surging water. Or, if this is a season to sweat, that I will surrender to the One who can give me the strength I need–to just keep swimming.

Join me in calling out to our powerful, loving Savior? Anyone else need some restoration, wide open spaces, or still waters? Let’s commit to tapping into His unlimited strength rather than wearing ourselves out trying to do it all on our own.