If Only Blog Tour

I’m stoked to have the opportunity to be bringing something a little different to the blog today. I was recently approached to see if I would be interested in participating in the blog tour for my friend Michelle Van Loon’s new release If Only: Letting Go of Regret. I responded with a hearty, “Um. YES!” This is a book I had planned to purchase anyway, so I wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to get an advance copy for free!

It was a supposedly “warm” day (or so the frost-bitten Michigan-ites kept saying) a couple months ago when I was attending The Festival of Faith and Writing that I met Michelle. We walked across the Calvin College campus together to a breakout session as acquaintances and left as friends, the way only a shared traumatic experience can bring people together. We endured what I considered The Worst Session of the Entire Festival and survived–confused, but entertained. It was an hour of rabbit trails and jargon that quickly made me realize I was in way over my head. Internally I started to panic. What was this speaker even talking about? I glanced at my program to make sure I was in the correct session. I was. Well, I’ll credit the speaker that, they were at least gifted with writing compelling session titles.

I remember glancing to my left and seeing Michelle appeared deep in thought. Catching my glance she slowly leaned over, and I mentally ran through a generic list of anything I could possibly say about the session that would keep my ignorance from showing. Michelle whispered in a tone of incredulity, “Do you have any idea what she’s talking about?!” Instantly I knew, she is one of my kind of people. I stifled a laugh and shook my head. She replied, “Me neither!” Then added, “And I’m in seminary!”

Her vulnerability and wit, full of compassion, that I experienced in person that day permeates this insightful and biblically grounded book. In If Only, Michelle addresses the subject of regret, a topic I have also struggled with, using moving personal narrative paired with scriptural examples that are easily relatable. It’s a quick read that includes study questions and a prayer at the end of each chapter, which also make it an easy resource for group study.

Michelle handles a topic, that could be pretty depressing, wisely and winsomely. I laughed, I found myself in her stories, and I was often convicted about how I’ve managed my own regret and disappointment over the years–the following excerpt I’ve chosen for this post is a selection where I experienced that entire range, actually.

Even when the vault seems to be unlocked, we may find ourselves stucker-than-stuck in some area of our lives and not quite sure how we got there. If only we could figure out how to climb out of that quagmire.

My friend Heather and I figured it might be easier to climb out of that quagmire if we did it together. I adored her candor. Heather was as transparent as a sheet of glass, and her transparency made it easy for me to be honest with her too.

“I ate a half gallon of ice cream last night, then took a bunch of laxatives to clean it out of me. I hate myself this morning. I’m so stressed out with my new job, and Justin and I are having problems again. Would you pray with me? I need God’s help.”

We were both in our twenties, trying to figure out how to be grown-ups. Her honesty played well with my empathy and gave me the “gift of going second” in our relationship. Heather would share a struggle or failure, and I’d respond with one or two of my own.

We were like a two-person twelve-step self-help group. Ex­cept Sinners Anonymous members Heather and I were perpetually stuck at step one. We frequently admitted our powerlessness to one another, but we went no further. There were no steps two through twelve. No U-turns.

Her emotional phone calls invariably followed the same script. “You’ll never believe what I did over the weekend,” she wailed. “I did it again. Again! Ate most of the leftover pizza after Justin went to bed, then did a laxative chaser.”

Money was very tight for my husband and me. I was constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul, then borrowing money from Paul to buy milk and diapers. I frequently confessed to Heather how I struggled to trust God with our finances. I had my own script I rehearsed with her most every time we talked.

It slowly dawned on me that all this confession wasn’t really changing either of us. It was as though each one of us were tak­ing emotional laxatives. Each of us was able to regularly expose and attempt to expel some of our issues in our conversations, but mostly we just named and rehearsed our sins. As a result, neither of us seemed to be able to go beyond the surface of encouraging one another toward meaningful repentance. Our struggles seemed to remain our struggles. I can’t speak for Heather, but the longer I struggled and failed to experience any meaningful change, the more regrets I accumulated while I stayed mired in my sin.

Author Oscar Wilde diagnosed Heather and me with these words written over one hundred years ago: “There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us.”

I’d convinced myself that talking about my guilt with my friend was equivalent to repenting of my sin. However, not all confession is created equal. It can mean anything from recounting the details of a crime we’ve committed to revealing a gossipy tidbit to a friend.

The truth is, Heather and I spent a whole lot of our time gos­siping about ourselves to each other.

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Taken from If Only by Michelle Van Loon, ©2014 by Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, Kansas City, MO.  Used and reprinted by permission of Publisher.  All rights reserved. Visit our website at www.beaconhillbooks.com to purchase this title.

I KNOW. Right?! She’s fabulous and you’re hooked. Trust me, I felt the same way. How many times have I used confession like this? To absolve me of my guilt through someone else telling me it’s okay, but not seeking the One who can actually forgive me and help me deal with my junk. Yikes. That’s the sizzling sting of  the white-hot branding iron of conviction right there.

I promise I will never review or recommend something here on the blog that I’m not also recommending to people in real life. This is one of the good ones, folks. Pick up a copy– you won’t regret it!

(See what I did there? Regret?! If only I wasn’t so easily amused, you guys. If Only.)