Momentum

“I would like all of it to be much easier and faster than it is.”

That is a direct quote from a text message I sent Friday. It was sent to a dear friend who was talking me down from the proverbial cliff we writers find ourselves facing more than I’d like to admit. Once again I found myself considering jumping. Not in the brave skydiving into the unkown way, but the tragic heroine who simply cannot go on and chooses the rocky shore below rather than face bleak prospects for her future.

I should probably mention I’m speaking metaphorically. Oh, and writers are kind of dramatic. And this has nothing to do with my personal life and everything to do with my writing life.

Anywho…

Why all the drama?

Because I had received okay-ish news.

Not exciting news. Not THIS IS IT news. Not a here’s-the-secret-author-handshake-you’ve-been-dying-to-learn-welcome-to-the-secret-society news.

Not even bad news.

Actually, what I got was a pat on the back, you’re on to something, keep going news. Which should be completely affirming, but instead of keeping my eyes trained on what was to come I looked down on the rocky terrain I’ve already climbed. Instead of being in awe of how far I’ve come with Lord’s help, I stomped my dust caked boot and freaked out a little:

“SERIOUSLY?! Keep going?! Do you not see how far I’ve come? How much longer am I going to have to keep climbing this? IS THERE ANY GROUND ON THIS JOURNEY THAT ISN’T UPHILL?!”

I’ve been camped out in Numbers as I slowly meander my way through the whole of scripture. I will not finish it in a year. At my current rate of a chapter or so a day I’m looking at it taking more than three years. The beautiful thing about this is it’s challenging enough to keep me going and unimpressive enough to keep humble — a very good combo for me. It also lands me in books like Numbers, which by title alone sounds like nothing I would find interesting. I’m a writer. I do words not numbers.

Numbers, I’m being reminded, is so much more than a census. Here I’ve found the saga of the Israelites continues. I’m all wrapped up in their journey, identifying with these sojouners and their frustrations. I used to think they were stupid and faithless. Now I see myself as one of them. Another wanderer in desperate need of direction.

Read into that what you will.

I’m at the part in their story before they’ve sent the spies into the Promised Land. They’ve just dedicated the tabernacle and the cloud of the glory of the Lord has come down and rested upon it. It appeared as a cloud by day and a fire by night. The Hebrew word used here is shekhinah and the root word means literally to settle, inhabit, or dwell. The Lord has chosen to dwell among His people.

Not only is he dwelling with them, but He is actively leading them to the Promised Land.

And whenever the cloud lifted from over the tent, after that the people of Israel set out, and in the place where the could settled down, there the people of Israel camped. At the command of the LORD the people of Israel set out, and at the command of the LORD they camped. (Numbers 14:17-18)

Sounds pretty straight forward. I found myself wishing if only it were that simple. If He could just give me a heads-up of the distance to be traveled that day that would sure be convenient. Even if it was slow and steady at least I could see I was making progress–or that I was actually going in the right direction.

And then I read this and thought my brain was going to explode:

Even when the cloud continued over the tabernacle many days, the people of Israel kept the charge of the LORD and did not set out. Sometimes the cloud was a few days over the tabernacle, and according to the command of the LORD they remained in camp; then according to the command of the LORD they set out. And sometimes the cloud remained from evening until morning. And when the cloud lifted in the morning, they set out, or if it continued for a day and a night, when the cloud lifted they set out. Whether it was two days, or a month, or a longer time, that the cloud continued over the tabernacle, abiding there, the people of Israel remained in camp and did not set out, but when it lifted they set out. (Numbers 14:19-22)

I imagine myself among them. Celebrating the dedication of the tabernacle and supercharged ready to go, picking up momentum.

Then I think about the first time the cloud stopped for two days.

Okay, that was a nice break from travel. God is so good to give us rest.

Then a month.

Well that was a long, but we’ve had time to reflect. We’re hitting the road better, faster, stronger, wiser than before. Promised Land here we come!

Or a longer time.

So is this it? We’re just going to sit here? Man, I’m getting sick of manna. Remember how good the food was in Egypt? I would kill for a steak right now. How much longer are we just going to sit here?! Honestly, I’ve got my hesitations about Moses’ leadership abilities. 

I’m not sure being a writer is for me. What if I got it wrong? What if all this has just been a waste of time? This is taking FOREVER. And it’s so much WORK.

I would like all of it to be much easier and faster than it is.

Did I say that already?

I assume He’s abandoned me, but now I see it’s the momentum that I’ve been worshiping, not the Lord. Not wholeheartedly, anyway. I have, however inadvertently, made an idol of progress. He has not stopped dwelling with me, but He has seen fit to pause. An idol cannot be allowed to stand in His place and so He is patient with me. He gives time and space and words and story as a mirror to reflect this truth.

And I know it’s true because striving after momentum has produced angst, fear, insecurity, and weariness. The chase is wearing me out. Dwelling with God produces peace and blurs the line between being and doing. I caught a glimpse of it leading a retreat a few weeks ago, but didn’t recognize my current frustration, couldn’t name it for what it was until Numbers. The last place I was expecting revelation.

There are no false starts. Time is not wasted, it is precious and purposeful when we commit to setting out and stopping by the Lord’s command.

Do you value His timeline above your own? How do you react when life is at a standstill? How do you react when you don’t see signs of progress?

 

Now if that’s not an inspirational quote, I don’t know what is.