This probably comes as no surprise to any of you, but I am not a particularly optimistic person. I consider my cup to be overflowing if it is anything more than half empty. I have faith things will work out in the end, but it’s a hands thrown up, Fine! I hope You can make something of this because it’s going nowhere stomping my feet kind of faith. I am an embracer of the difficult-right-now in which I am living, because that’s everything to me.
I’m just going to say it. To me, joy feels fake. Joy is something peppy and bouncing and smiling too big as I sit in the bleachers and make snarky comments and stew in all the feelings I consider deeper and more meaningful than joy.
I have always viewed joy as shallow. Or for people who were simpler than me. Joy is for people who don’t have the courage to face the difficult-now head-on. Or for white washed tomb hypocrites who must be faking it because there is just no way anyone is naturally like that. No. Way.
Then I met Ann.
We first met years ago when she and her husband were out interviewing and candidating (wish that was a word) for the pastorate of my small wonderful church, where they are now part of the family.
The first thing I noticed, which I have to assume is the first thing everyone notices about Ann, is her intensely joyful smile. I was trying to sneak out of the after church meet-the-new-pastor potluck without being noticed, a ninja-like skill I should list on my resume, when she quickly interrupted her conversation and stopped me. She turned her bright eyes and joyful smile toward me and called me by name because she had made an effort to learn it beforehand and it was like I was caught in her joy tractor beam. I spit out excuses, threw her my best harried mom gotta go face, and hurried away. Besides the fact I am a classic death-before-small-talk introvert, the effervescent joy that was bubbling from this woman was disconcerting. It just couldn’t be real. Therefore I wrote her off right there as someone I could never connect with. (There goes the awesome non-judgey Christian jewel in my crown in Glory.)
Here’s the thing. Disappointment does not disappoint. Which is weird, but you can’t really be disappointed with disappointment. Disappointment is nothing if not fully disappointing. You will be let down every time. You can dig your heels deep into the sucking mud of its consistently dismal worldview and never have to leave. You expect nothing more than survival from life, so that’s what life becomes to you. Existence. Killing time here until it’s time to move into the eternally non-disappointing life, which is such a pale and anemic Heaven that this realization is becoming embarrassing for me to own up to.
Not being disappointed is not the same as experiencing joy.
Joy is risky. Joy is bravely looking into the mocking face of disappointment and choosing to march on. It does not guarantee success or happiness in the short term. Joy is a big picture, long game view of life.
I have finally moved past my rash judgement of Ann mostly because honestly you cannot not like her. I do not think it is possible to perpetually dislike someone who is constantly, genuinely interested in your welfare and encouragement. Well maybe it’s possible but even my little Grinch-heart has melted in the heat of that joy-fire. It certainly helps that in actually getting to know her and do life with her through weekly Bible study together I have witnessed her fight for joy. I have listened in awe and disbelief as she has vulnerably shared her life with our group, which as a mom to four small ones is very similar to my own except that she somehow incredibly manages on even less sleep than me, and she has chosen to live a story of joy. I have witnessed her struggle with the difficult-now and come out ever-smiling. Not in a fake let’s pretend things are better than they are way, but in a triumphant my God will see me through and I know He is working good in this mess way.
It’s a contagious joy. It is, admittedly, still a somewhat uncomfortable for me joy. But I am ready for a new story. My plan is to kick off this journey the same way I do everything else: diving into God’s Word. As I’ve been praying this over He led me to Philippians and I’m excited to announce my first ever blog series I’m calling “Trusting Joy.” The time has come for me to pull my boots out of the disappointment they’ve been stuck in for too long–I hope you’ll join me.
This hit me hard! I have had serious trouble trusting God since an incident a few years ago involving excruciating pain, and why God would not remove it from me. I also left my local church because of abuse of power by church leadership. My response to these issues was shameless self pity, and seething anger. I went back to my congregation after six months absence, but learning a Christ-centered response was slow and frustrating.
Thank you for writing this! God led me to your website/blog. Keep up the search for joy, as I will also!
Kenn, glad you were led here and thankful the post resonated with you. It can be so hard to find joy especially in circumstances that are legitimately joy-less! And especially for someone like me who (for better or worse) has a bent toward pessimism and cynicism. Praying for you and for continued reconciliation with the church family God has placed you in. I’m working on my next “Trusting Joy” post– hopefully up this week!
I struggled for joy last winter big time. I used the excuse that I was sun-deprived (PA winters are gray!) but that wasn’t it. It was a lack of thankfulness and gratitude — at least for me. I’m excited to read your series and see how God will meet you at your struggle. When you call, He always answers.
It’s always difficult for me to discern when I’m just being honest about my not-so-optimistic feelings and when I really do need to be striving for joy. I’m curious to see where He leads as well. I’m so thankful He is so faithful to invest in our relationship!
Love this Aleah! Excited to read this series! You’re amazing!